I loathe school. Everyone's left me, I wake up far too early, there's not time, no time for life.  No partying. I need a drink. I need a day to not remember. i need a day to sleep and to get together.

I miss Tim, mostly I miss Jordan.  I miss him.  I hate myself right now, today.

I feel so fat, so worthless. everyone's acting like they're fucking thirteen again. My classes suck. I need someone. Well no. No. argehjarfdfjksfdkjhnkdzf. I feel like such an emo kid even typing this. WTF. everyone's just being an asshole and i refuse to participate. i have only two classes with nana, AP english, which is good, and fucking anthropolgy which i signed up for jsut to fuck around with her and qichen, but they seperate us. fuckers. i also got yelled at from across the room by the librarian, stupid ho.

so obviously after school i went with nicole to this cafe, ate this disgusting eclaire, it was honestly awful, and this huge super-caloric coffee frozen drink. with whipped cream. fuck.

Everything is changing constantly.
Everyone is leaving.
I am not.

Every year now, I've made friends with the foreign exchange students, and while this year it was easier to say goodbye, they still all leave, it's still hard, and it still comes down to the fact that they've had this amazing, life-changing experience that they will never forget, and i'm still stuck here, in this shitty little town with nothing but booze and boys to keep me entertained.

I want to do so many things, yet the fact that I'm lazy and useless is hindering me.  I have no job, therefore, no money.  I want to go to France, to visit anna, to Austrailia, to visit Nicole, who moves this January.  Brazil, to visit family and Gui. Tour Europe, because I think it's something everyone should do at least once. I haven't left this shithole all summer, except to go to Delavan, a small town about 20 mins away, and Janesville, the nearest mall, half an hour away.

pathetic

I need to escape.

::EDIT::

Ever since i stopped the 'ana' blogs, no one freaking talks to me. except like, 2 people.  ahh. ah well. guess my blogs aren't terribly interesting. but, c'est la vie.

anyways. So. We all remember Tim, who i'm dating for the summer. Who left his phone here yesterday. Who was supposed to come get it at 2 pm. i waited until 3 pm and left the house.  i haven't heard from him at all. so i don't know if he even bothered trying to show up.

yesterday was by far the worst time i have had with him.ever.  he got here and we chatted for a bit, then went downstairs to watch a movie.  Horribly depressing movie, pointless.  We sat on opposite ends of the couch and didn't talk.  As soon as the movie was over, he left.  It's definitely falling apart.  Not that i even care properly, i'm just sort of feeling unloved. We weren't serious or anything. I actually counted, and i cheated on him a total of six times. Whoops.  Right now, i'm sorta seeing where things go with two other guys.  One of whom i really like, but he lives like 3 hours north of here, and i cannot, under any circumstances, deal with another long-distance thing after Jordan.  I can't.  The other one lives out of town as well, but comes up every weekend and for the summer, at least.  Basically, what's going to happen is come September i will be, once again, alone.  Something i should be used to by now.

You're so sensitive, I am, I am a machine

	Fuck this.  I'm not over him. It's been months. I haven't talked to him at all for days.
Half the time I don't even think about him.  I've moved on quite thoroughly. I've been busy,
been happy.  Maybe it's just today that's getting to me. Dunno. I miss him, i miss the things he
used to say and the thing we used to be.  Maybe it's hearing so much about Anna's new love and
seeing how similar their experience is to ours. I can't do this. It's over. I need to get over him.
I can't. God damn it.

x

::EDIT::

So, ironically.  I get online after this, five minutes later Jordan signs in.  Actually
strikes up a conversation for once.  Acts like all is well, I stay distant. Leave.
Come back, talk to him.  Extremely awkward. Decide i can't take any more of this pretending,
BTW, our previous argument was him trying to tell me about some problem he was having with
his girlfriend, i lost it, told him i didn't wanna hear about my goddamn replacement.
he called me fucking useless and i left, hadn't spoken since then.

Isa says

of course, being as useless as i am, you can't really expect anything else

Jordan says

who said u are useless

Isa says

oh, gee, i dont know

Isa says

maybe it was you?

Jordan says

pish posh!

Isa says

oh, no, i can assure you, it was

Isa says

i could find the log if you like

Jordan says

i know i said it

Jordan says

lol

Jordan says

but i was mad

Jordan says

so it doesnt count cause i didnt mean it

blah blah, more of that, eventually, his finer points:

Isa says

you can be a real asshole sometimes

Jordan says

i know i can, 

Jordan says

and i do feel bad

Jordan says

i know you don't deserve it

finally ending with

Jordan says

I am sorry

Jordan says

I am

Jordan says

always was

</3

It has been a while..haha.

Party. party, party.  Pretty much.  This guy Tim, right.  Decides he likes me.  Right now, according to him, we are "seeing each other."  Which pretty much means we're dating but not offically, and that we are exclusive.  I'm not so sure about that part, though.  I mean, it was his idea, and I was just out to have a fun summer.  But anyways, I've hooked up with only two other guys this month, so i guess that's not too bad, considering i never actually agreed to this exclusivity thing.

Sometime this week, though..I'm watching The Notebook with Marai...yup.  And we were talking about what to do when we hang out, he suggests a movie, down between Love Actually and The Notebook [WTF], so yeah.  Then he goes.."Just a warning..i get cuddly during movies"  so im like..not a problem. haha. so we'll see, i guess.

other than that...stoned out of my mind two nights ago, laughed soo hard. it was amazing.  also need to get a job blahhhhhhhh. dunno, hope everyone's doing fabulous. much love.

xoxo